C.S. Lewis has been an unexpected guide to me spiritually in grieving the loss of my sister. If you are grieving, maybe he’ll be helpful to you too. His books A Grief Observed and Till We Have Faces, and his letters to Sheldon Vanauken in Vanauken’s book, A Severe Mercy, offer insights into different aspects of grief. 

His own Grief

Lewis wrote A Grief Observed in the year after losing his wife, Joy. What stood out to me most in this book was Lewis’ relationship with God during that emotional time. Early on in the book he writes: 

But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. (p. 6)

In my life, grief has been the experience that has most tested my relationship with God. I wondered why God allowed the loss, and how anything good could come from it. It felt as though there was a wall between me and God, and it seemed like I was powerless to make the wall go away. Through the book Lewis shares his own 12-round wrestling match with God and at one point acknowledges that his perception of God at moments such as those quoted above, was too anthropomorphic, that is, he was thinking of God in human terms. He reminds us of the inadequacy of our human interpretation of life events. Even while reflecting on the terrible pain of his loss, he shows that we can’t expect to always understand God’s providential plan. God is a good Father and although it might not always feel like it, He wants us to flourish.   

Love and Detachment

Lewis wrote Till We Have Faces with the help of Joy in 1956, four years before she died. This book weaves together many themes, including those of grief and anger, but at the heart of the book is the character of Orual and her own wrestling with the gods, coming face to face with her jealous, selfish love of her sister Psyche. In trying to control Psyche, she wounds herself with a dagger, and then decides to hide her face from the world behind a veil. Later, she too realizes that her initial perception of the gods as distant, uncaring, and unresponsive beings was myopic. In Orual’s life I see my own grasping at understanding. My desire to understand the various crosses in my life only clouds my awareness of the mystery of God and what He is about. 

The book ends with Orual saying, “I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away.” It is the encounter with the god and in relationship with him, that Orual’s anger, frustration, and desire for control dissipate. In Peter Kreeft’s lecture about the book, he said it illustrates “why religion is so mysterious and faith is not rational.” It is a natural human response to question the purpose of someone’s suffering and death, these sorts of experiences are precisely what test our faith; however, like Kreeft points out, we are called to have faith, not to understand. 

Therapist Derek Scott explains that part of the human experience is that we naturally attach to people and things that we love, and grief is the process of un-attaching. Loss precipitates detachment, and for some it can make unhealthy attachments more evident. In grieving a loss, selfish love of the world can be healed, and we can become closer to and more aware of the mystery of God.  

Letters to Sheldon

In A Severe Mercy, Lewis and Sheldon Vanauken’s letters to each other show their support for each other through the illnesses and loss of their wives. Their letters show unusual depth, honesty, and courage. Sheldon wrote that Lewis was “the friend” who helped him through his loss and grief. In one especially impactful letter, Lewis wrote to him: 

You have been treated with a severe mercy. You have been brought to see that you were jealous of God (how true and how very frequent this is!). So from US you have been led back to US AND GOD; it remains to go on to GOD AND US. (p. 210)

Lewis points out that grieving his wife Davy’s death was the means through which Sheldon learned to purify his love of his wife and his love of God. Sheldon reflects, “That death, so full of suffering for us both, suffering that still overwhelmed my life, was yet a severe mercy.” 

Like Sheldon, I found Lewis’ words helpful in making progress in my own relationship with God after loss. I am more able to see the loss from an eternal perspective. Seeking time for prayer, rather than understanding, has brought more growth and progress through the grief.  

If you would like to make an appointment with Claire, please email claire.yanoschik@protonmail.com, or call/text 805-419-3631.

References

C.S. Lewis. (1961). A Grief Observed. New York, NY. HarperCollins Publishers.

C.S. Lewis. (1956). Till We Have Faces. Harcourt Inc. Orlando, FL.

Sheldon Vanauken. (1977). A Severe Mercy. HarperCollins Publishers. New York, NY.