Conflict. It’s seemingly everywhere. Sometimes it’s rude comments on social media or frustrating conversations with family and friends. But what do we do with it all? Do we say something, do we post about it to our friends, or do we just move on?

The Jesus Way

As Catholics we believe that God not only made us with emotions to pay attention to in tough situations, but Jesus also encourages us to often have difficult conversations to bring about healing, holiness, and growth. 

In the Gospel of Matthew Jesus instructs us that when a “brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him, alone”. Jesus goes on to say that if they listen, it’s resolved, but if they don’t, bring a mediator to help in the conversation. If you and the other still haven’t resolved the issue, Jesus says to turn to the Church. If that resolution still doesn’t happen, Jesus tells us to set clear boundaries with the person. As we follow Jesus’ advice in the face of conflict, here are a few things to consider when having tough conversations.

Insert Here

When having difficult conversations with friends, parents, cyber bullies, and even mentors in our lives – coaches, teachers, youth ministers, and priests, we can start with our emotions. Your emotions reveal values that God has written on your heart. Jesus had many emotions and He shows us their value in living a holy life. When having to share something difficult, we can first express the emotion for ourselves by asking how does this make me feel? We can then communicate how we feel using this handy-dandy formula of “I feel [insert emotion here]. 

Action vs. Person

When using I-feel statements in tough conversations, we can follow up the emotion with behavior specific evidence and examples like I feel frustrated when… comments are made about my weight. Staying behavior focused and avoiding the words you, never, always, or any other fighting words helps the other person to not get defensive, and to understand that you’re not attacking their personhood. Taking this approach also helps the person you are speaking with to understand that as a fellow child of God they are not the problem, but a behavior of theirs is affecting others around them and that they are being called to more out of love and respect.

Go To Timeout

While timeouts as a kid are usually a bad thing, in difficult conversations they can be a lifesaver. If a talk with someone is going south or getting heated, take a time out. Let the person know “I need [insert time frame here] to cool down”. Time outs are a way to avoid saying something you’ll regret and to recollect your thoughts and emotions to better communicate the truth with love to your brother or sister in Christ. 

Not Alone

The reality is that we encounter brokenness and hurts in our lives on a regular basis. At the same time God is giving us real guidance, tools, and grace to navigate these tough conversations and situations for our good and the good of those around us. Just as God works through the mess of the cross, God is working in the difficult, ugly, and messy situations in your life. God is longing to help you to have tough but honest conversations with others, to share your feelings with love, and call others to holiness and growth as you strive for it yourself. When tough conversations need to happen, don’t go it alone. Remember to invite the Holy Spirit in and to take it step by step to speak the truth of your experiences and the Gospel with love to those around you!

---

To schedule an appointment with Adam Cross LMFT #116623 please call (805) 428-3755, email amc.cross7@gmail.com, or visit the contact page.